#44 - Masih sedih 18 July 2020

Aku sedih sangat, emotion state aku rupanya still macam dulu, apa masalah dengan aku nii,

aku still cari orang yang boleh faham aku or maybe cuba faham aku.
mengharap kan orang yang aku plaing rapat. tapi rapatkah aku kalau tiada siapa kenal aku
ke aku yang selfish sangat or maybe childish. setiap kali aku rasa nak act, aku rasa macam aku je over sangat macam anak aku.

tapi feeling ni, aku tahu memang tengah bother aku. aku nak luahkan rasa macam budak2m katanya aku lebih2. kenapa aku rasa aku sebernaya sorang2

mungkin jijik dengan aku? kata aku macammacam macam aku okay dengan semua katakata. tak nampak ke aku tengah sedih. ke dia biarkan. atau takut jadikan lagi teruk

siapa aku sebenarnya? beban dan semak? mungkin dah lama sangat aku macam ni. dari awal tiada perhormatan yang aku rasa dan prestasi aku teruk selama ni.. dia nampak aku rendah. serendah rendah nya. kasar.

mungkin betul orang cakap selepas kebenaran kebanyakan orang akan berubah,

aku cuba terbaik yang aku boleh, tapi berapa lama aku kena tunggu sampau semua nya okay? kenapa satu hint yang baik pun dia tak bagi kat aku. ke mungkin aku tak nampak?

dia cakap dan aku tahu
semua nya salah aku. aku rasa aku ni fucked up gila.

orang yang paling rasa dekat sepatutnya bagi kita rasa kita ni tak sefucked up ni, well kalau aku cakap.. aku rasa aku macam budak2 pulak.

sampai dengan orang lain, dia boleh dia bicara elok.. mungkin sebab dia tak kenal dia lagi kan

hahahaha tade tempat dah aku nak luahkan ni. atleast kat sini boleh ah tak perlu berlapis even dengan diri sendiri.

Aku benci diri aku sendiri, dari hujung ke hujung, atleast anak2 aku lah dapat sejukan hati sikit
tapi

harini aku terlepas kat diorang. aku tak patut marah2. aku patut simpan je marah ni. tapi aku tak dapat hold semua... kesian tengok diorng dapat bapak macam ni. 

ada je alasan untuk dia jauh kan diri.
aku tahu aku jijik tapi jangan lah sampai tunjuk kat aku yang aku ni jijik

aku tak aku tak guna tapi jangan lah buat macam aku tade guna.

mungkin dia tak maafkan aku lagi. or dia mmg taknak. nasib baik aku islam kalau tak lama dah bunuh diri. 

#43 -

Aug 23th 2017

My mind started to breaking down, even the easiest shit couldn't be explained. All words that came out pointlessly like a broken crown, maybe i'm just to scared. 

Honestly,

I hate looking at my phone, i knew shit will turned out badly. I don't believed in luck, but why am i feel so unlucky. maybe for the path i chose? or maybe ALLAH meant to give something greater.

Lets not talk about the future nor past,
Every possibilities leads me to unhappy condition of enviroment and situation. felt like i LOST my wife, sons, family, wealth, respect and title. me myself couldn't strengthen my self-up. YES, i still believed that this shit im feeling will pass soon without i even realize it

If i writing up about what i have or would or may LOST,
It will be endless blog.

Even games couldn't bring me joy,

The joy that i can depend on are while with both of my son, Shakur & Malik, 
About their eyes,
I could feel that they really want me to be there, "The looks of Appreciation" priceless. I couldn't get that expression with my wife.


Updating my life progression,
Was Studying back in INTI doing Dip. Civil Engineering, Dropped out on 4th Sem.
then, There're period of me hanging around my friends "The BX". Then comes my marriage and Shakur, I really was not ready that time, Yeah Fatin bombard the topic quite alot. Then My Father came into the picture SUDDENLY, and there're "U'karaoke" Period. Spending my time maybe Karaoke Lyric, MIDI, and sound, and most of the time i was playing RAN with my half brother Ridzwan. Met Uncle Rosman for the 1st time on that period. Then the Monopole Period, Then WtE Period, Quite a period for WtE, Then...




#41 - Remodeling

Let by gone be by gone and the memories stays to be memories. My life is better now. :)

#40 - Shared song



You're so careless, careless
How did you get so ungrateful?
You treat me like I'm a disease,
Oh, and it's been killing me
Chances are, you never even cared at all
I'm sure that you had your reasons
But I'll never get to hear the truth
Disguised in all your alibis
It's a tradition, practiced,
every time you say goodbye

I've tried so hard
to be what you needed
Your imaginary enemy
I've tried for so long
to make you believe it
That I am not the enemy

Slipshod cavalier,
I can't stand to see those things that
You have taken for granted
Thrown away everything you've been handed
Too much all at once that's how you got so ungrateful
All you saw was the burden
Standing beside all your blessed truths
Disguised in all your alibis
It's a tradition, practiced,
every time you say goodbye

I've tried so hard
to be what you needed
Your imaginary enemy
I've tried for so long
to make you believe it
That I am not the enemy
Imaginary enemy

Oh, oh, oh, oh
Alright, yeah

I've tried so hard
to be what you needed
Your imaginary enemy
I've tried for so long
to make you believe it
That I am not the enemy
Imaginary enemy

#39 a little poet

Day by day my life got tough,
every step i'm taken becoming more rough,
how can i get through,
all these thing that bothering  me tho.